A newbie, again.

I’m getting prepared to start homeschooling my  just turned-5 year old. Right now he attends a Montessori preschool one morning a week. He hates it.  

He has been trying to convince me for months that he is ready to be homeschooled. I think I’m finally ready to let him make that choice for himself.

But I need to prepare.  I don’t know what I’m doing, all over again.  

I experienced this when I started homeschooling my now 7 year old a year ago.  All the old questions and insecurities came rushing back…

“Where do I start?”

“What’s his learning style? How will I know what works?”

“What curriculum should I use?  What if we dislike it or it doesn’t work?”

“What if we don’t get along or I can’t do this?”

…on top of that, my 5 year old is very gifted.   

The intensity of the his questions and already acquired knowledge floors me, everyday.  It is exhausting keeping up with his questions, many of which I don’t even know how to begin to answer.

A good friend reminded me that I don’t need all the answers, I simply need to teach him how to find the answers he seeks.  

So I’m holding on to that thought– I am a facilitator, and it is okay to say, “I don’t know, but let’s find out, together.”



A few weeks ago my husband spotted an old X-ray box at Goodwill. We snagged it for a couple bucks. 

It’s snowing here today and we’ve all been sick for awhile. CABIN FEVER has set in and so I busted out the light box.

Thankfully, I had planned ahead and had some materials for them to explore…though truthfully, I think I enjoyed it more than they did.

We talked about adding colors together, magnetism, shadows, the insides vs. outsides of animals, bones, flight, organs, eggs, the purpose of tails, TAKING TURNS, spines, cartilage, dinosaurs vs. lizards, infants born live (not in eggs), mammals, and so on.   










When Autism is right here, right now.

My son with high functioning autism has been off his medications (for mitochondrial disease) for three days. We have two more days to go.  I hope I can make it with my sanity intact.

It is weeks like these that really drive the point home for me.  We treat his autism biomedically.  It’s hard. It isn’t the “easy” way.

He’s been particularly checked out today. And so very naughty. The kind of “bad” that is scary, that makes you wonder what has happened to the child you know is there, in there somewhere.

Currently, he’s sneaking around the house, being passive aggressive and I’m sure he’s up to no good.  My 4 year old keeps saying, “I saw him. I saw him sneaking just now. Did you see him mama?” I’ve got my back turned, purposely.

“No. I didn’t see him. I don’t want to see him right now.”

And that is in more ways that one.  Right now I am too attached to my suffering to see HIM. I can’t see him clearly, or the pain and anguish he must be in right now, because I’m too deep in my dukkha.  I am working hard at holding my tongue while I’m in this place of clinging.


“We meet

to part again.

I have no words to respond

to this double inspiration.”

-Wen Chao


Love your neighbor, give them carrots.

Our amazing neighbors invited the kids over to dig carrots and potatoes.  

Our neighbor has cancer.  His wife and grown children have been caring for him night and day. It had been months since I had seen him out and about.  Before he got sick, he was outside everyday tending to his prize roses and vegetables.  Nothing could stop him…not rain, wind, cold, heat…he is an inspiration to me.  Every time I think I can’t possibly continue to tend my garden, when my hands are cracked and my legs are aching, I look out the window or over the fence and see him out there, still working.  At 80 something, he puts me to shame.  

He was outside with the boys today, soaking up a few rays.  Cancer treatments have taken their toll, but I took it as a good sign that he came out with his hoe and rake for a few minutes and laughed at the boys digging up his veggies.  

I love how gardens bring people together. Gardens and food.  Sharing of wisdom and planting dates and seeds and harvests.  My boys are beginning to understand this…after looking at the pile of gorgeously brilliant carrots on our table, they breathed out a sigh of wonder that our neighbors would give us all THIS.  Just because.  Their bellies will be filled tonight because of the kindness of a neighbor.    



Weekending. All the lovely things.

Chomping at the bit lately for a hint of Spring. A sweet friend told me about a charming store a few miles North of us, which carried all sorts of lovely bits of cheeses, meats, pastries, oils, raw milks, grains, and SEEDS for planting.  We set off this morning (promising the boys a cookie upon our arrival) and I filled my basket with all the things needed for our garden this year.  



Which of course, got me really salivating for some color. I binged on all this goodness that I captured last summer.  












Look at this beautiful mossy stuff growing on my front porch step:



Sure is determined, isn’t it?  Without much to work with, it still manages to flourish. Even with the lashing it gets day in and day out, from several pairs of little feet…it carries on as if it shouldn’t be any other way.

It’s inspiring, really. Especially on days like today, which was a particularly aggravating day.  The children have developed attitudes and hurtful words that even take ME by surprise.  I stepped out into the rare sunshine with them today and snapped a few pictures, did a bit of gardening. Mostly though, I stared at this bit of greenery in wonder and appreciation.

Strength. Resilience. Perseverance.  


Children. The “nothings.”

At the end of the evening I wonder what filled my day up. Most of the time, I have no idea. In fact, it feels monotonous and uneventful. It’s a horrible notion to feel like you’ve wasted another day of a short life.  I’ve been giving this idea a lot of thought lately. Usually I ponder this idea while I’m meditating…I can’t help it, it’s usually just the thoughts that are stacked on top of each other.  I am left feeling anxious far too often as the lights turn out and I force my eyes to close. I’ve considered making a list of the things I do everyday…this seems like a monumental task and I brush it off as either being a waste of time or narcissistic.  How odd, yes?  I’ve done “nothing,” and yet writing down all the things I did do would be too much.  

The real issue is that my “nothings” are my children.  What have I been doing all day everyday for the last 7 and a half years? Parenting.  That should be enough. Why isn’t it?  I don’t know yet. I’m getting there.  But what I do know is that my kids aren’t just “nothing.”  Parenting is valuable and important. They have value, they are real.  I know this. Why my soul has yet to get on board with this completely escapes me.  Sure, we can blame it on culture or technology or money or any number of things.  I think, though, that maybe my soul is just uncomfortable with feeling like it is enough. Human nature, maybe. Or maybe my soul is still a spoiled brat, resisting the act of letting go of attachments.  Naturally. I would expect nothing else at this point. I’m being realistic.

My children have been the most spiritual thing to have happen to me.  It sounds cliche, to be sure.  But I found Buddhism through my children.  I found my inner strength through autism.  I found my absolute joy each time I give birth and yes, even by chasing them around the house to get the mud off their toes.  It isn’t always this way, of course.  And that’s why it is so powerful…they push me to be better, to be more mindful, more patient (or patient at all!), to examine my motives behind every word and action.  They’ve taught me the value in holding my tongue and letting things be.  They’ve taught me to let go of desires and wants and anxiety over the small things…even the seemingly “big” things.  

Sometimes I lose my footing.  I have to retrace my steps to find the path again.  That’s alright. They will be there tomorrow to lead the way…and for that, I am truly blessed.




Mind-full Little Ones. Day One.

I decided that in an effort to cultivate mindfulness in my children, we would each have a wooden bowl and a wooden plate, a set of silverware, and a cup.  No more endless supply stream of magically clean dishes for this mama to wash and the children to waste water and soap on.  After every meal and snack, the children would be directed to wash their own.  To my surprise, this was met with much confusion and hesitation.

“Are lots of people coming over? Why don’t we have enough dishes?”

“Why don’t we just use paper plates?”

“Why do we have to wash them? Why can’t you do it?”

“Why are we doing this?”

It was a startling revelation to me, that while making such a huge effort to provide experiences for my children, I had neglected to provide less.  And now they had an insatiable desire for more.

My older boys eventually gave up on convincing me this was a crazy idea, and they washed their dishes without much fuss.  My “baby,” though, he put up quite a fight. He’s 3 and a half, so it isn’t unusual for him to be stubborn.  But this seemed to be actually painful for him…he just couldn’t imagine why mama wasn’t going to do it, as she always has.  But after I insisted he could do it, and then backed away…he intensified his concentration on the task.  And when it was done, he was so proud of himself I thought he would burst.

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